Wha’ Happened This Week? So You’re Never LATE TO THE PARTY.
1. This was a big week for weapons. And the haterz who use ’em. First Syria’s back in the news (in many ways it’s never left) (that was an Austin Powers reference… oy, I’m avoiding talking about Syria)… this time because its president, who fewer and fewer people like, fired an old timey (like ’92 Gulf War era Soviet-made) missile at his own people — maybe. At least this one wasn’t filled with last week’s threatened puffs of chemical death air. Although among the theories offered as to why he would choose an unwieldy, inaccurate missile from among his arsenal is the suggestion that he didn’t love that Obama “formally recognized” the confederacy of Syrian rebels trying to overthrow him this week, and this was his “I see your formally recognized and I raise you a violent attack. Next up: chemical doomsday.” And scary North Korea super secretly launched its own missile — but we’re pretty sure it was just a rocket to space, not actually a weapon. Although we’re not at all sure it even happened. The only thing we’re sure of, in fact, is that the clip of the news anchor who announced it went viral for obvious reasons.
Meanwhile back in our homeland, not to be outdone, we got some weaponry news of our own: a mall shooting spree in Portland, Oregon, and an execution-style murder in broad daylight on the streets of New York City, precipitated the big announcement: an invite to the gun show! Thanks to the decision of an appeals court in Illinois on Tuesday, it’s now legal to carry a concealed weapon in every state in the union! What could go wrong?? (UPDATE: we have at least one answer to that question, how that it’s been reported that there’s been an even deadlier shooting spree at a Connecticut elementary school Friday morning.)
The Illinois court decision is a big win for anti-gun-control advocates who see the right to bear arms as the last best hope for protecting us against our government. And a big win for would-be murderers everywhere who want to kill off cuddly celebrities for fame and fortune. Yes, the Beibs was the target of a castration & murder plot this week — and the uncle/nephew team hired to carry out the elaborate scheme (a scheme hatched by a New Mexico inmate with a Justin Beiber tattoo, no less, who was super vindictively bummed that JB never responded to a single one of his fan letters) were only thwarted because they took a wrong turn in upstate Vermont and ended up stopped by U.S. Border Control at the Canadian border! Which is awesome because Justin Beiber is Canadian. One of the dudes was reportedly found with gardening shears on him… Clearly we should all be arguing for stricter gardening-shears-control measures.
Or arguing for a little more love, y’all. More than anything, this week-in-weaponry has underlined the disparity in lifestyle between those who foster a sense of empathy vs. those of the not-so-much persuasion. Watch this little video and get sentimental too, please.
2. The date 121212 happened! And there was a concert where Paul McCartney did his best Kurt Cobain impression while not really knowing who Nirvana was, and a billion other celebrities spoke & sang, in what was meant to be the first ever benefit streamed live worldwide — and people gave money for Hurricane Sandy victims, and other people criticized those people for giving money to Hurricane Sandy victims, and meanwhile people worried they weren’t doing enough to commemorate the relatively unique-ish date, until they realized they could possibly only have another week-ish to live before the Mayan’s predicted end times. And then they really freaked out.
3. And finally, a little merriment. If we survive the encroaching apocalype we get the season of jollity as reward… Of course I’m referring to awards season! Heh. To get us in the gift-giving spirit, the nominations are all comin’ out this week and the entertainment news pundits are all predicting who’s gonna be receiving a spiffy golden statuette of some shape & BMI in their stocking come the Golden Globes/SAG Awards/ultimately the Oscars. All I can say is: Lincoln & Argo both score high marks on the smarty front, sure, but only Silver Linings Playbook gets an A in the categories of smarty AND party. Buuuuut I’ll leave the analysis to the experts.
Though it bears mentioning that ’tis also the season when actors who are unrecognized (literally and metaphorically) continue to toil away as their movie star brethren get the worship treatment. For all underpaid, underemployed freelance artists with a dream I give you this:
Don’t let the bastards grind you down.
Quote of the week, a la Maya Angelou:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”